I feel OH SO GUILTY today. We just got back from a long weekend up in Big Bear with Nate's family (more on that later) and I took an extra day off to rest. Do laundry. Be alone.
I need this. Oh, how I need this. But I feel so guilty. Lazy. Why am I burning a vacation day just to be with myself?
Vacation days should be gathered and saved up like precious gold (or, perhaps "like drops of pumped breastmilk" would be the more appropriate metaphor). Right? Because working mamas like myself only get to see their precious babies 3 hours or so a day, and usually not the best hours, either. Because people at work need me and I have responsibilities to carry out and, really, by the end of my 4 or so hours alone today I won't have accomplished much relaxing anyway, right? Vacation days should not be squandered this way. So why am I doing this?
I should just relax and enjoy the day because I am human and need some time to myself, or so they say. "You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of everyone else." Or so they say. Why, then, do I still feel so guilty? Why did I send Eden off to Grandma's while Daddy went to work? Why didn't I take her and whisk her away to the zoo for a fun-filled mommy-and-daughter day? Why didn't I put the chores on hold and spend the day at the beach laughing at the seagulls together and learning what sand is like? Why am I sitting here on the couch pining away when I could be doing laundry, scrapbooking, or cleaning out my closet?
(No fair making fun of that last option. I like cleaning things out.)
I'm trying to be a good mommy. Heck, I'm trying to be the best mommy I can be. But let's be honest, here. I have NOT been trying to be the best MOLLY I can be. Not even trying to be the best wife I can be. I feel like I'm using up all my energy on the mommy thing. And work? Well. Work is on auto-pilot right now. I could do my job in my sleep. Which is great for the organization. Not so great for my ego, or my career, or any sense of personal accomplishment on the corporate front. Work is boring and time-consuming and blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.
I feel like I'm floating along in la-la-land, with no direction, no purpose, and barely enough energy to get me through the measley few hours I get to spend with a tired child every evening. Sometimes I try and convince myself that achievement and drive is for people in their 20s and now that I'm 30 I should be happy to slow down and enjoy the day-to-day a little more. I tell myself that raising a wonderful, happy, balanced little girl to be a productive member of society is one of the greatest accomplishments I could hope for.
But I still feel bored, direction-less, and unproductive.
Isn't that terrible?
Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't change the mommy thing for the world. I just don't see how all the other pieces are supposed to fit together and I feel like I'm running out of time to figure it out.
And I can't wait for Eden to come home.
2 comments:
I get to spend all my days with my baby, but on the weekend my husband usually takes him away on some long outing...and I feel guilty. I mean, I don't think I'm doing anything wrong by taking time for myself, but I know my baby misses me when I'm not there, and it makes me feel bad sometimes.
A few years back when I used to work full-time, I'd always waste my days off. One free day is never enough. You need at least two--one to unwind and feel free to do nothing, and one to actually do some of the things you'd like to do. In fact, if you add a third you can spend one day being productive and one day doing something fun! But for me, that day of vegging always seemed to come first. (Too bad it isn't so easy to just get three days off of work!).
I wonder if that guilty feeling for being gone is something all mamas get, or if it's just something built into us somehow along the way by our own experiences? I guess I assume I'll always feel that way to some degree!
Thanks for your comments and for stopping by, Lisa!
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