Lost in play

Yesterday was such a perfect day. A perfectly normal day. An Eden-and-Mommy day that was spectacular just for the normal-ness of it. Eden's been getting over a cold so we skipped church. We watched some shows. Read a lot of books.  Made lunch. Played school. Drove through the car wash. Went to the library. Did a little shopping. Finger painted...and then moved the paint into the bathroom and painted the bathtub.

I remember this sort of normal-ness from my childhood. Slow, lazy days at home, concentrated on discovery, keeping oneself occupied, learning, and spending the day with each other. Getting lost in our play. Making the day up as we went along.

Spending the day with the day itself.

Noticing the light on the walls as they day goes by. Letting yourself be a part of it rather than anxiously waiting for the next thing to happen.

Spending time listening to the daytime neighborhood sounds: wind chimes. Trucks. Children. Birds. Footsteps. Cars. Silence. The breeze flowing through the trees.

I am concerned that our society is forgetting what this feels like.

It feels good.

"...So you know I love you."

Ring ring. It's Nate's cell phone.

"Hiiii."

[Pause. Did he pocket call me?]

"Hi Mommy!!"

"Hi Eden!"

"I got a LIIIIME flavor!"

[They had planned to get Viva Pops today. Local, organic fruit pops that are the best in the world.]

"Oh, those are SO GOOD! Did you like it?"

"Yeah!! It was good."

"What flavor did Daddy get?"

"Daddy got lime, too!!"

"So you guys matched."

"Yeah! Mommy, how are you?"

"I'm good."

"Are you coming home now?"

"No, I will come home at dinner time after you and Daddy have play time this afternoon. Then we will all be together all night and we can play!"

"Oh. I am going to send you a message after I call you. So you know I love you."

[my heart catches in my throat]

"Oh, thank you, Sweetie! I will send you a message, too."

On Chocolate.

I've been working a lot lately, Peanut -- and you really miss me these days. I am really missing you, too. I thank God that I have the job I do, and the team I do, because if I didn't, I don't think I'd have the luxury of the give-and-take that I do. But I have to say work has been getting more of the "give" lately, and you've been stuck with more of the "take."

See, I know that I have a week off coming up. And I know that we've got the three-day weekend ahead of us. And you're getting older and starting to comprehend time a little better. But I still think it's hard on you not to have me in the now.

And it's hard on me to be gone, missing moments.

So, we make the best of the moments we have! Thursday night Daddy was still a little sick, and I was really tired and we were all a little restless after dinner. I said, "I want some ice cream," to no one in particular, and you took that as an invitation to take me to Baskin Robbins. Which I agreed was a good plan.

You've been wanting to take me to Baskin Robbins for awhile now -- Daddy took you the other day and you just thought it was SO COOL and ever since have been talking about how, some day, you're going to take me there and show me the ice cream store with all the FLAVORS!

So we threw on our shoes and off we went.

In the car you decided you wanted chocolate. You love chocolate anything, but you especially love chocolate ice cream. I wanted Rocky Road. (You were okay with that decision because it looked pretty much like chocolate.)

You got a cone, which is rather new for you (you told me you didn't realize you could eat the cone!) and I got my cup, and we sat down in the chairs. I could hardly stand how cute you were with the chocolate all over your face, and on the tip of your nose. But what got me the most were your eyes. There were shining. Sparkling. You were aglow. We were together. WITH ICE CREAM! Just Mommy and Eden!!

It made me so proud and so happy to see your heart exploding with joy. When you are older and if you are a mommy you will understand why it also made me a little sad -- because I wonder if the loss of me day to day increases your joy with me when I am home.

One way or the other, it was one of the best evenings of my life. Right up there with the afternoons playing in your room when you were 9 months old with the evening sun lighting up your room in a golden glow. With the ethereal mornings when you were a tiny baby, nestled up to me tummy to tummy, nursing and cuddling and sleeping. With our quiet times outside before the neighborhood exploded with kids and we were just the two of us, exploring and discovering together.

After ice cream we decided we were having so much fun we decided to take my car through the car wash, go buy daddy some medicine at Target, and go to Kohl's to buy mommy some exercise pants. It was the best evening of the whole week! It's fun to get to watch you grow up, and I'm realizing how much fun we're going to have together over the years. Hanging out with you is a pretty cool thing.

One of my best, most happiest things!

Is "noisy-ness" a word? It should be.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed these days.

Overwhelmed by noise, I guess.

Not the loudness of life, so much as the quantity of things trying to get my attention.

Is there another word for that?

I need downtime. Maybe a whole month would be good.

My personal struggle: Part 2 - Resolution

I was going to apologize for such a downer post last time, but I'm not going to. It's normal to have a bad day now and again, and I think our society places far too much value on being happy all the time. Instead, I would like to thank you for hanging in there with me as I go through this journey!

 

It was my morning cup of coffee that changed my whole perspective.

 

I've been going through this inner turmoil of sorts for awhile now. Itchy to find my next challenge. Worried that I'm not currently climbing any great corporate ladders. Realizing that time with Eden is my most precious commodity, and realizing that the cost of these other endeavors will ultimately lead to leaving her more.

 

Somehow, I had this grandiose picture in my head of what our lives would look like: I'd be making a six figure salary within the next 10 years. Nate would only have to work if he wanted to. We'd send Eden to a private school. We'd buy a house and rent out the condo. I'd be the best at what I do and a lot of people would hold me in high esteem.

 

But my heart was pained because, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fit Eden into that picture. Not the way I wanted to. Not the way I want to be her mom. Not any way that seemed best for her.

 

Yesterday, I took a mug of coffee in the car with me on my way to work.

 

Coffee in a mug makes a car smell a certain way, much different than coffee in a travel mug. Don't you think? I do. And I was instantly taken back 20 years to fifth grade, when my dad would drive me to school, he sipping coffee from his wide-base ceramic travel mug, and me sitting next to him on the pickup's bench seat and thinking what an important man he must be, all dressed up in his suit and tie.

 

He died when I was 11, and a lot of people seemed to notice. He got a big obit in the paper. A ton of people sent my mom cards. Former President Jimmy Carter sent my mom a signed note of his condolences.

 

But my father was not a big man. He worked hard to make enough money for us to get by, but we certainly weren't rich. He worked mediocre construction jobs then put himself through training to be a mediocre real estate appraiser. Not that he was mediocre, but he just held middle-of the-road, commonplace jobs. He was no CEO. He didn't have a staff of hundreds, or even twenty.

 

What my dad did do, was give. He gave every chance he got. He gave of his time, his talent, and his treasure, to the church, to his community, to his friends, and to his family. Right before he died he spent a week managing operations for a Jimmy Carter Habitat for Humanity rebuild project just across the border in Tijuana, Mexico.

 

One whiff of that coffee and it struck me: I've already made it.

 

I have a great relationship with my husband. We have a wonderful daughter. I have a good job with excellent benefits and I enjoy the work I do. We have a small but very comfortable home in a condo complex with wonderful neighbors. We don't have a lot, but we have enough to save some and enough to give some away. When Nate graduates this Spring we will both have master's degrees. And, most likely, if we are smart about our money we will be able to finagle sending Eden to private school. Compared to the vast majority of our planet, we are rich beyond belief.

 

I realized that this is it. Or, that this is enough. That if I just do this for the rest of my life, that is okay. I don't need to run a company or hold an office to make a difference in the world. I can do that by volunteering, by giving, by looking out for small opportunities to make someone's life better today. In fact, I'd posit that someone in my position actually has a greater capacity to truly change the world than someone whose time is all wrapped up in the politics of running a company. (No offense to any executives out there. Not having walked in your shoes, I could be completely wrong.) Who knows, maybe those other things will come along some day, but if they do they will have to be the right fit. And if they are, then it is meant to be.

 

I feel sorta disgusted with myself that I let my vision get so far off track of who I really am. But, I can tell you, I felt worlds better unlocking my office this morning, at peace with myself and my lot and looking forward to discovering my next opportunity to make the world a better place. Oddly enough, I felt important again.

 

I think my dad would be proud of that.

My personal struggle

I feel OH SO GUILTY today. We just got back from a long weekend up in Big Bear with Nate's family (more on that later) and I took an extra day off to rest. Do laundry. Be alone.

I need this. Oh, how I need this. But I feel so guilty. Lazy. Why am I burning a vacation day just to be with myself?

Vacation days should be gathered and saved up like precious gold (or, perhaps "like drops of pumped breastmilk" would be the more appropriate metaphor). Right? Because working mamas like myself only get to see their precious babies 3 hours or so a day, and usually not the best hours, either. Because people at work need me and I have responsibilities to carry out and, really, by the end of my 4 or so hours alone today I won't have accomplished much relaxing anyway, right? Vacation days should not be squandered this way. So why am I doing this?

I should just relax and enjoy the day because I am human and need some time to myself, or so they say. "You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of everyone else." Or so they say. Why, then, do I still feel so guilty? Why did I send Eden off to Grandma's while Daddy went to work? Why didn't I take her and whisk her away to the zoo for a fun-filled mommy-and-daughter day? Why didn't I put the chores on hold and spend the day at the beach laughing at the seagulls together and learning what sand is like? Why am I sitting here on the couch pining away when I could be doing laundry, scrapbooking, or cleaning out my closet?
 
(No fair making fun of that last option. I like cleaning things out.)
 
I'm trying to be a good mommy. Heck, I'm trying to be the best mommy I can be. But let's be honest, here. I have NOT been trying to be the best MOLLY I can be. Not even trying to be the best wife I can be. I feel like I'm using up all my energy on the mommy thing. And work? Well. Work is on auto-pilot right now. I could do my job in my sleep. Which is great for the organization. Not so great for my ego, or my career, or any sense of personal accomplishment on the corporate front. Work is boring and time-consuming and blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.
 
I feel like I'm floating along in la-la-land, with no direction, no purpose, and barely enough energy to get me through the measley few hours I get to spend with a tired child every evening. Sometimes I try and convince myself that achievement and drive is for people in their 20s and now that I'm 30 I should be happy to slow down and enjoy the day-to-day a little more. I tell myself that raising a wonderful, happy, balanced little girl to be a productive member of society is one of the greatest accomplishments I could hope for.
 
But I still feel bored, direction-less, and unproductive.
 
Isn't that terrible?
 
Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't change the mommy thing for the world. I just don't see how all the other pieces are supposed to fit together and I feel like I'm running out of time to figure it out.

And I can't wait for Eden to come home.

My little cocoon

I have NOT  been in a writing mood lately.

NOT been in a sharing mood lately.

And I have NOT been cracking a smile much at work lately.

Really, folks, I'm doing okay. I really am. (Really, really, Casey - I promise!) I've just been in my cocoon lately.

It's where I go when things get really busy, even if things are really good busy. I think my central nervous system just needs a little downtime so when things start whirling around in my "outer" world, I tend to retreat a little more into the "inner" me.

So, like I said, things are pretty busy. And in the spirit of writing lists (I think it's a family trait--although apparently there are a lot of people out there who like lists) I'll just share a few of them here:

• Work is crazy busy. It was crazy before we lost one to retirement and the other to...well....drama. Now it's C.R.A.Z.Y. busy.
• Tax season is coming up. (Sorry, it's on my mind.)
• It's the holidays. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!! Cookies, decorations, letters, presents, carols, parties, candles, lights, stories, hugs. And with The Peanut, to boot. It's certainly a very merry month around here.
• Nate is crazy busy. December is probably one of the busiest months of the year for a gigging musician. (I can probably sing back the entire score of "Carol of the Bells" in Transiberian Orchestra format for you right now, on the spot, licks and all.)
• Oh, and then there's life. Shopping. Cooking. Cleaning. Mending. Sorting. Tossing. Organizing. Playing. Bathing. Sleeping.

So, I called in to a meeting this morning from home, and now that the Peanut is off to Grandma's and Nate is off to teach I'm going to dig into the housecleaning with a vengence and get that part of life taken care of -- if just for awhile -- so that we can rest and relax in the precious few hours we get to ourselves this time of year.

Remembering that this, too, is just a season, and it won't last forever. So I had better enjoy it while it's here!

Weaning at work....or not

Well, I tried weaning myself from pumping at work, but I'm not so sure it was a great idea. For the first time in what seems like A-G-E-S, I had a plugged duct this weekend. I was trying to come up with imaginitive ways to describe the excruciating pain to Nate. It's like a baseball stuck in your boob. It's like having a ginormous zit that is too deep to pop underneath your armpit. It's like sticking a pin in your bottom lip. It's like...

...okay, well, enough for now. Suffice it to say that I was a little grumpy this weekend. (And a little angry that the Booby Monster returned.) Eden eventually worked it out (I spent several delirious hours on Saturday dreaming about the phrase "worked it out" in this application and wishing it would be my happy luck) and all is better now. The sun has returned to the sky. The earth is once again spinning on it's axis. The planets have all realigned.

So you might wonder why I tried weaning myself from pumping at work. (Or maybe not. But I'm going to tell you anyway.) See, I love having a break at work, but I've pretty much stopped producing milk while I'm away from Eden. Our bodies are crazy smart this way. I used to absolutely obsess about keeping my milk supply up when I first came back to work and was a breastfeeding newbie. For the first three months or so (or maybe it was five-ish months? hm, don't remember) I would pump three times a day at work, and eventually worked up to bringing home about 10 ounces.

Ten ounces of pure gold. Precious, precious drops that took a lot of care and attention to extract from my being.

After Eden had been on solids for awhile (and now that she is old enough to drink cow's milk if she wants it) I cut back to one or two pumpings a day. Some days I would get busy and forget to pump at all. Eden still nurses four to six times a day on days I work, so I knew she was getting plenty of milk. And on the weekends or random days off she will nurse six to eight times or more, and I still have plenty of milk. So it seemed my body, the incredible milking machine, just knew when to turn production on and off.

I'm not really sure why this weekend was different. Maybe it was because Friday started off a little emotional for both of us; perhaps I made more milk because of that? Maybe I subconciously didn't offer her that side often enough since a little scratch from her sharp little fingernails had made it a little sore? Whatever the reason, it was painful enough that I think I'm going to pump at least on Mondays and Fridays now, to give my body a little bit of "easing into" the work week.

That, and I should probably pay a little bit more attention to my warning signals, e.g. IF IT HURTS, PUMP IT OUT. (You'd think I would have heard those warning bells on Friday, but No-ooo-oooo!).

In other news, I'm excited because this week I have a guest post published on one of my favorite blogs, http://www.hobomama.com/. I found Hobo Mama awhile back while trowling around online searching for explanations about some personal parenting choices of mine that modern society seems to raise an eyebrow at. (Things like sleeping together as a family, extended nursing, baby wearing, and the like.) If you're visiting my blog as a result of that, welcome! If you're one of my regular readers, be sure to check out Hobo Mama's site, too!

On Contemplation

Breatfeeding while working full time is hard. It takes up a lot of time at work. There are lots of things to remember. Pump parts. Empty bottles. Lids.

Getting the milk from your purse to the refrigerator when you get home at night.

(Not that I have any personal experience with that one! Hmm....)

But one thing pumping at work has taught me is the power of contemplation. All of a sudden I have two to three 15-minute sessions built into my day where I am forced to stop what I am doing, sit back, and do nothing but think.

Most times I think about Eden. Sometimes I'll think about an article I've read recently, or a passage of scripture. Sometimes the day at work is so hectic that I find myself rehashing plans and conversations in my head the whole time.

No matter what I spend my time thinking about, though, I find that I emerge from the brief cocoon of time refreshed, with clear vision and a renewed sense of purpose. I think that alone pencils out the time it takes away from my desk.

Maybe it would be good for me, when the pumping business is finally passed, to keep that habit.

Just a thought.

A Few of My Favorite Things...

In honor of the new year, and of Eden's favorite song, I thought I'd make a list of a few of my favorite things.

 

(And don't worry, I know our picture is sideways. I'll fix it later. Priorities, my peeps, priorities.)

 

1. Cuddling with Eden in the morning.

2. Playing with Eden in her room.

3. The necklaces and bracelets I got for Christmas.

4. Making bread.

5. Walking into the bedroom after my shower and seeing Nathan and Eden snuggling in bed together, fast asleep.

6. Hot drinks.

7. My husband.

 

(I should point out that this list is not in any particular order. BABE. It simply has to do with the broken irregularity of the post partum mind.)

 

8. Being a parent together with Nate.

9. Watching Eden learn.

10. Talking to my sisters; or, better yet, visiting them.

11. Feeling productive, useful and smart at work.

12. Using my new pen at work.

13. Rainy days at home.

14. Learning to cook Indian food.

15. Reading.

16. Wine.

17. Indian food, reading, and wine together would be nice, but highly unlikely in the forseeable future.

18. Singing.

19. Reading in the shower.

20. Scrapbooking.

21. Listening to Nate play his guitar(s).

 

That's enough for now because it's time for me to go take a shower while Peanut and Daddy are happily playing together on the couch. Just wanted to share a few of the things that make me smile as I go about my days.

 

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

Sweet Peace

I'm sitting in my office, looking out at the afternoon sun filtering through the pine needles on the tree just outside my window. The sky is clear blue, and it's a bit chilly today. (For you Michigan-ers, that means it's low 60s. Whatever.)

Eden is here, sleeping in her car seat on the floor next to my desk. She'll occasionally stir, make a little noise, and then settle back into sleep. I can't get over how angelic and serene her little face looks. How flawless her translucent skin is. How sweet her little lips, and her tiny nose. Her eyelashes sweep her cheeks, hiding those big, blue orbs that steal my heart away.

Daddy brought her by on his way to a gig and I was going to feed her and traipse back home for the weekend, but as long as she's happily asleep I guess I'll just keep working away. Have the Christmas tunes going. And my desk is nearly cleared. I would most definitely call it tidy.

Nate has 2 gigs tonight but none this weekend, which is great. Because this has been a long, challenging week. Not bad, just a bit of a difficult adjustment. Which we both expected. Anyhow, it will be good to relax together, get our house cleaned up, and get back to square one before next week begins.

It is so peaceful. Sleeping babies and Christmas music. A better pair I have not yet found.

I'm Baaaa-ck

I'm at work today.

Wearing lipstick.

And heels.

And pants with a waistband that buttons.

More later!