All is calm, all is bright

It's a sleepy Saturday morning.

Saturday mornings have been starting later than normal. Nate's been playing downtown at The Field on Fridays and he doesn't get home until 1:30 or 2. Which means he sleeps late b/c he's tired, and I sleep late, because I lie awake much later than usual b/c it's hard for me to go to sleep without him.

I love quiet mornings, before everyone else has gotten up. I love to sit and read while I sip my coffee. Reminds me of Dad. Haven't I already reminisced on this? It's one of my favorite memories.

Today Nathan and I are going to go to the Natural History Museum and see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit. It's supposed to be pretty amazing. It's not just the Dead Sea Scrolls. I'll write all about it so those of you who aren't here can know what it was like. I figure that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see something so old and I want to be able to tell my children about it.

Speaking of children...seems there is a little one growing inside of me again, much to my shock and amazement. I didn't think that would happen so fast! If I'm on a 4-week cycle (and I'm not sure) then my first trimester will be over 2/11/08, right between our birthdays and right around the time little Joshua will be born at Abigail and Mike's house. So that's my new milestone. I must admit I am a little nervous, but I'm also calm because I know there is not a whole lot I can do about it other than wait, pray, and be good to myself.

Based on these same calculations, my due date would be right around August 25. HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT. I'm calling the a/c installer Monday to come take a look at our place and see what we can do.

I can hear Nate snoring in the bedroom, and the occasionally "click" of the coffeemaker as it keeps my (decaf) coffee warm. I think I'm going to go sit on the couch and finish The Cathedral Within.

I feel like I'm in the quiet, still waters of a river right before the rapids. Or in the lull of the ocean in between a set of big waves. Eight months left before we close one chapter and open another.

All is calm, all is bright.

Merry Christmas Eve!

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

I feel so "cozy" about Christmas this year.

No school. Our own home. Pretty tree. Good jobs, good health, happy family. I know it's not Thanksgiving, but I can't help but count my blessings as I sit here with happy memories of this holiday season already filling my heart.



Cameron spent the night last night and incredulously asked, "where are your Christmas cookies?!?" (Well, he didn't say it with that much emotion, you know Cameron.) So after I beat him at a game of poker (I think he let me win) and a trip to Pick Up Stix for dinner (he eats well with chopsticks) we pulled out the bowls, spoons, flour and eggs and made Christmas cookies. What a trip down memory lane for me! I haven't made cut-out cookies in forever because Nate doesn't like them.

Anyway, it was special for me and made my heart glow to do something Christmas-y with my little brother that we used to have such fun with growing up. I sorta expected to look up and see him in his green long-sleeved pajama top and diapers, but, no--now it's a goatee, jauntily perched NY Yankees ballcap, and quiet humming of some hip-hop song occasionally bursting into full refrain. I love my little brother.


(Mom, I love the pitcher you gave me for Christmas!!! See how pretty it looks there on our wine rack? Most of all I love remembering the day we saw it together. I love you.)

By the way, it's obvious how much Cameron and Bonnie love each other. They seem to have a really solid relationship. Rare.

The presents are all wrapped. I'm even going to have time to write some thank you cards today. We've got hot chocolate (and now cookies!) and the tree is sparkling prettily by our media amoire. When Nate's finished watching his new Scrubs DVD (thanks, Virginia & Dennis!) I'll turn on the Christmas tunes. It's a gorgeous, clear day and it will be a cold, crisp night tonight.

Tonight, after church (where we're singing songs I love) we'll head over to the Jarrell's and we get to revel in the annual gaities with Erinn and Dieter this year. That will be so special; last year, Erinn missed him so much on this most special day of the year and now they will be together.

This morning, my Mom called from Michigan and it was good to hear her quiet, soothing voice with that hint of excitement she always gets right before Christmas. She is so special to me and I am so glad she gets to spend the day there and make new memories and, perhaps, a few new traditions.

I can't help the tears that fill my eyes as I look around at everything surrounding me and realize that I am really home. All is calm and bright.

Merry Christmas!!

Schwarzenegger isn't that tall

Governor Schwarzenegger gave a press conference on health care reform at work this week! It was a crazy day. What a lot of work goes into getting everything ready for a single man's visit. I didn't get to meet him face to face, but I did take a bunch of photos. He's not as tall up close as I thought he would be, 'though he is tall. It was a first for our hospital. What a cool day it was!!!

I'll post more photos when I'm at work and my computer isn't so slow.

'Twas One Real Cold Morning

Twas one real cold morning and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
I had to be at work early so I hopped in the shower
The hot water so nice, I stayed a whole half an hour

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter
Nate sprang from the bed to see what was the matter
Apparently my shower had caused so much steam
That the fire alarm had started to scream

He dashed to the hall, longing for his cozy bed
While Frankie and Oscar immediately fled
Faster than fast he silenced that thing
Back to bed in a flash, and gently snoring

I pulled on my clothes and started drying my hair
Packed my bags, ate my toast, and got over the scare
Kissed Nate on the forehead and out the door I flew
For work never stops and I had plenty to do

And on my way, in my car, I remembered the days
When hour after hour we'd be together, always
When I'd get to school and find out where he was
And follow him around like a puppy dog does

Now alone with my thoughts and my thermos of joe
I sip and remember the days I liked most
And vow to work hard so I can get outta that place
And come right back home and see Nate's handsome face

I will post a blog today!!

I promise!

 

:)

Things I am thankful for at the moment

My comfy new sweater
Last night's yummy dinner with Nate, with wine this time! (silver lining)
I have a window right by my desk
The right-hand side of my desk is now cleaned off
I get to go Christmas shopping tonight

Oh, Susanna!

Wednesday, November 21

3:01 a.m.

7 lbs., 6 oz.

19 1/2 inches

Medium dark brown hair

(And the baby sure is cute, too, isn't she? Hilary rocks!!!)

She looks like a little tiny elf!

The Three Girls (unless Bunny counts, too... ??)

And another one on the way; how precious!! Abigail is so beautiful.

Coming Full Circle

Last Tuesday we found out I was pregnant!!!

When we first looked at the test it didn't seem real. We had to keep looking again. Yep, the line was still there! I have never before seen some of the expressions that flitted across Nate's face that night: incredulity, excitement, disbelief, panic. (Well, not really panic. But, yes, in a way, panic! This was really happening!)

Neither of us slept very well that night from all the excitement. Nathan immediately began singing songs and giving admonitions to my belly. He would periodically check to see how the "blob" was doing. And we couldn't help but tell people! Our miracle had happened! It worked! We did it! Hooray, Nate and Molly!!!! Now, we were three.

By Thursday, I was worried. I kept spotting, and not just a little. Nathan and I weren't quite sure how to handle it, and ended up on a roller coaster of high hopes and guarded expectations. All through the weekend, nothing changed. Then, on Monday, I started cramping around noon. By four, I knew I was in for it, but didn't want to take any ibuprofen just in case. I stayed at work too late, knowing I wouldn't be back for a few days, trying to get as much done as I could before it hurt too badly. But I misjudged how fast and how hard it would hit, and on the way home I had to pull over and call Nate, in tears, and he gallantly rushed to come pick me up and take me home.

He is unequivocally, hands-down, the most amazing, wonderful and steadfast man in the world, and I can not imagine a better partner and friend. We are a great team, he and I. I love you, babe.

Everyone at work is spectacular, I must say. I had to fight the urge to go back the next day and take care of things, but they all insisted I take the rest of the week off. Which, at the time, seemed excessive to me; but Nate wanted me to stay home, too, so I did. And I am SO glad I did. I can not recapture in words how precious and incredibly healing these few days have been, home alone, just Nathan and I. There is no safer place than when we are in each others' arms in our own private little space in the world.

So peaceful.

And knowing that I have the overwhelming support of not just my family, but every single person at work, too, makes me feel even safer.

What will Nate's face look like next time? We will be overjoyed, I know! And, perhaps, a little scared, too, but that is alright. If anything, this showed us how much we want to be parents, and how ready we are to step into this next chapter of our lives. It is hard to have to wait. But....trying is half the fun.... <wink!>

And then, early Wednesday morning, little Susanna was born in Michigan. What a miracle! We have come full circle in just one week.

So, I love you, little one. Whenever you come, and I can hardly wait to meet you.

Dust and ashes

The wind whipped through my hair and sent white ashes flying through the air like campfire snow. Sounds of a thousand broken pottery pieces rang out like a choir of tiny windchimes as we ran our hands through the rubble, searching for treasures. Occasionally, my mask would shift and I could taste the ash on my toungue.

Last Saturday, Nathan and I joined about 20 other people to sift through the ashes of a 2,800 two-story house that had burned to the ground in Ramona. The fire burned so hot that the ashes only piled up about 6" to 18" on the slab. The owner wanted us to sift through to see if we could find anything recognizable, in hopes that we could recover something of value or document the losses for insurance. There wasn't much to find. Occasionally we ran across a melted shoe, a shred of paper, or a broken trinket, but for the most part everything was either dust or melted.

Melted glass, by the way, is beautiful.

What impressed me most about the day was how everyone came together to make good out of a terrible situation. It must have been emotional for the homeowners to see a hoard of strangers sifting through the dusty remains of what used to be their home. On the other hand, I know it meant a lot to her to see everyone looking so carefully for something to retrieve.

Mom and Dad were there, and brought their tractor. What a blessing they were! And with the tractor's help we were able to clear the entire slab in one day.

Here's to tired backs and aching muscles.
To the many memories and the budding dreams.
Here's to finding strangers to unite toward a common goal.
Here's to moving on.

I love mornings

Ahhhhhhhhh

 

No work today. Hooray!

 

It is a beautiful overcast morning and the light is coming through my curtain sheers in a pretty haze. When I padded out to the kitchen to make my coffee this morning the floors were clear and the kitchen clean. I love that.

 

Since I don't have to go to work today I made a coffee cake, and added cinnamon to my coffee grounds. So it's a cozy, quiet, cinnamon-y morning. And I have a Martha Stewart Living magazine I haven't looked through yet. And Nate is curled up on the couch trying to wake up while Frankie can't figure out why we are both here. Ahhhhhh

 

Nate and Hilary and Cameron are not morning people. They all have a zombie-like quality as if they have been dropped on the wrong planet and rudely awoken from a hundred year slumber. Until 11 or 12, sometimes. hee hee hee

 

I've always loved mornings. When we lived in Imperial Beach before Daddy David died I would wake up to the sound of his coffee grinder, then wander downstairs and find him reading the newspaper while he sipped at his first cup of coffee. (He'd take the second one in the car.) He'd pull me up on one knee sometimes and let me read over his arm. But that was usually boring after a moment, so I'd scamper down and go find something else to do. But he always smelled extra good in the morning, and his cheeks were soft from shaving; I loved the smell of his coffee mixed in with his Old Spice aftershave.

 

Today - let's see, we're going to go to Target this morning. I have to get some stuff for my scrapbooking party tonight. And we need gloves, masks, boots and hats for our debris cleaning day tomorrow, up in Ramona. I'm really excited about tomorrow. It will be hard work but it will be an amazing experience, too. I'm so glad I can actively help one person take the next step they need to recover from the fire. And pulling a group of people together to do it has been rewarding. It will be neat to see how all the different people from different places come together for a common cause.

 

The only thing that would make this day better is if there weren't so many miles between San Diego and Michigan....

 

Okay, I'm going to go read about Martha Stewart's sideboard storage strategies. Happy day!

Pirates and Cowgirls and Witches...Oh, my!

Today dawned cold and foggy - the drippy kind of fog that smells like rain - so I snuggled up in my turquoise turtleneck from Mom, brewed a thermos of coffee, and off we went to church. Linda was sick today, so I played keyboard as well as sang. It is so much fun. (Well, when the songs are easy, which they were today.)

By the time we left church it wasn't so foggy any more and my turtleneck was getting a little warm, but no worries! We were off to the 2nd Annual Hart Family Halloween Party, hosted by two lovely little girls, Alex and Rachel. Alex is (?) 4, near 5 (I think) and Rachel just turned 3. They are Casey's girls.

When we pulled up to their house we could hear the kids playing on the jumpy in the backyard. Nate was a little aprehensive because we didn't know anyone there (except Casey, who he had not yet met in person) and we don't have any kids. Odd couple out. But we're used to being odd, so I wasn't too worried. Besides, Casey's a ton of fun.

We snuck into a bedroom to change into our (may I say) fabulous pirate outfits. Alex was a cowgirl (her Daddy, a cowboy) and Casey and Rachel were witches. Rachel and I painted masks together and when I was in the jumpy with Alex she reached up and grabbed my hand. Such sweet and welcoming moments. I wonder if they knew I was feeling "new" or if they were just being friendly!

Maybe next year we won't be the odd couple out - Casey and Dave's friend Loren sprinkled magic fairy dust on us so we would get pregnant soon. I hope it works! :)

Now I'm off to one of Nate's gigs...a full day, for sure, but one full of wonderful people and wonderful memories. If Casey emails me pictures I'll post them so you can see our outfits.

What a week...

Aghhhh!!! What a week.

I'm not sure what it is, but I have been on such a short fuse this week. I'm sure the long hours in the Command Center last week didn't help. Neither does being off bcp. And I'm still the world's worst sleeper. Ach.

Today Rodger took us to the U Club for a thank-you lunch for all our work last week during the fires. It was very relaxing. It's been incredibly crazy at work these past 3 or 4 weeks. I have NEVER NEVER NEVER seen so much stuff happen all at once. I've just about forgotten what all my regular projects are.

So, HillieBee, I'm sorry I haven't been able to join you for coffee for the last two mornings...I really will try to get better about that.

Here's our department's Halloween Picture (I'm the dodo without a costume, so Casey let me wear her cape).



















And now for some EOC pictures...
Here are two fabulous women I get to work with - De Anna and Casey - in the EOC:

I'm tired of making decisions right about now....

A rare, quiet moment. I think I was eating a salad. It was amazing how rare it was to get veggies in that place...

Dealing with loss

I have oftened wondered, in the years that have passed since Daddy David died, if I have become calloused. Indifferent.

During the first few years after he died, something would bump up against the memories every so often and cause the wound to re-open. A song. A smell. A glimpse of something.

This morning, I sit at my computer and sift through the emails and news stories about the fires, and the loss. There are so many in our town who experienced wildfire devastation in 2003, and it has formed a binding tie of sorts with those who are experiencing it now for the first time.

As I write I am listening to Sarah MacLachlan's Wintersong and realizing that it is touching that vein of loss deep inside me. But I do not cry. Rather, it speaks to a deep pain that has become part of my foundation; a pillar of who I am. An experience that has shaped my values and goals, and affected my view of the world. It is at the same time awful and sweet, tender and devastating, this response that I feel.

When I was young, people told me that time would heal my wounds and the pain would go away. What I know now is that, while time does dull the sharpness of the pain, it never does go away. It dulls for awhile until one day you wake up and realize that The Event has ceased to exist, and in its place is a new fabric of one's life, with a new thread woven through.

We all have our own tapestry. Some threads are our own; others we share.

These are the ties that bind us.

Our town is burning...

I wish I could have taken more pictures of the fire, but there are plenty of those online on all the news sites. Here is the mountain nearest us. This is pretty early on, while we were still packing our car. After several hours, the fire was on both sides of the mountain, and you could see flames leaping up now and then as the fire found something bigger than chapparal to burn. This picture was taken right outside our door and you can see the condo's carports on the right. About 3 a.m. on Tuesday morning, 10/23.

Okay, I've been doing some homework...

Blogs, webfeeds....they aren't really difficult, but it does take some time to sort everything out. Especially when you're starting from scratch. I feel old. I'll bet my little sister and brother (who aren't little anymore) know how to do all this stuff.

I can see how some of our older generations can be frustrated with this whole Internet business. I must admit I feel a little lost in cyberspace. I want to do stuff but I don't know how to do it, and it seems everyone is speaking a different language which is in English but I still don't understand.

Then there is the generation younger than me, who knew their way around their computer before they could talk. I'll probably be teaching these folks in a few years, and I'll seem all old and stodgy and they'll be so--savvy. And I'm really not old, or stodgy.

So I'm exploring these RSS feeds, or web feeds, or whatever they are called. I like Google and I love gmail, so I thought I'd try Google's webfeed service, which is called Google Reader. They have a neat-o video of one of their engineers - you should watch it (http://google.com/reader) and then you can sign up for subscriptions (free) to different things on the Internet. Like this blog (so go sign up).

You can even personalize your own Google home page with my blog on it. Isn't that grand? (Please tell me you have better things to do.)

Nifty little things, these web feeds. I just browsed through a whole NPR: Morning Edition in about 37 seconds instead of listening to the whole thing on the radio. Wow.

So now, every morning, I can log in to Google, check my email, update my blog, "read" NPR, see if there are any good recipes for dinner, get my quote for the day, check the weather, and glance through the news all before I get through half a cup of coffee.

I'm hooked.

I can't write.

I'm stuck.

I just came to the startling realization that it has been so long since I wrote about anything un-work- (or school-) related that I really can't write. I just don't know what to say.

But that's not really true. I really do have a lot to say. I think the world is full of interesting people, stupid ideas, awesome opportunities and a lot of really weird crap. So, I guess, I'm here to explore it.

And to get back in the practice of writing.

Welcome to my conversation.

- Molly