Dear Peanut,

Hi, Little Peanut. It's Mommy.

I'm tired and should probably be joining you in bed right now but I wanted to write you a letter to let you know how much I love you, and how much I love watching you grow. You are growing up so fast my head and my heart can barely hold it all.

You are talking a lot now. In sentences, even. You'll say things like, "I need Mommy!" when you wake up before I've come to bed at night and Daddy reaches you first. Or, "There it is!" "I found it!" "Frankie night-night" and "Mommy no work. Mommy stay."

(That last one was followed by you stealing my car keys and "hiding" them from me so I couldn't go to work.)

Speaking of, you seem to really be missing your dad and I. I know these last few weeks of Daddy being in school are going to be hard on all of us. And maybe big changes for Mommy at work, too. I know it's not going to be easy but I know it will be over soon and I'll be there for you every step of the way. And so will Daddy. And so will Grandma, and Erin, and Grandpa, and Mike. We even get to see Grandma-From-the-Mountains on Mother's Day. Won't that be wonderful!! (She is my mommy, so I'm especially glad about that.)

You are all of a sudden so grown up. You hold my hand when we walk now, instead of always being carried. You push the stroller instead of ride in it. You converse, you imagine; sometimes it even seems you are reasoning things out. You are climbing higher than my head on the ladders at the park. You slide down the tallest slides all by yourself. You are mastering hair-washing and the nursery at church (slowly, but surely) and you are starting to practice putting yourself to sleep.

You are conciencious, and a good sharer. You're every bit 20 months old, but I can see your kind heart and it makes me happy that you care about the things and the people around you.

You love to read. You love to play outside. You love bubbles, books, Elmo, Ernie and Big Bird. You love all sorts of food. Last week you were dipping your fingers in hot salsa from the taco shop and licking it off. You love colors; your favorite is purple or blue. You love picking out your clothes, although you don't really like getting dressed. I think the two words you say most are "outside" and "shoes."

You love sitting in my lap to do things, like read books, put on your shoes, or watch other kids play around you. I love burying my nose in your hair, breathing you in and holding you close while you're still small enough to fit so well on my lap.

I think we were made for each other, Little Peanut. One of my friends just had a baby and I was looking at her pictures and remembering that, not long ago, you were inside my tummy and I would wake up at night and feel you kicking around in there. I would wonder what it was going to be like to have you with me on the outside of me, instead of on the inside.

Having you here on the outside is one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me in my whole, entire life. But part of you stayed on my inside, too--the part of you that I keep in my heart all day and all night, even when I'm at work and we can't be together.

You are still nursing strong, and I love to hear you say, "Momma milk!" I will ask you, "Do you like Momma milk?" and you will shout "Yeah. Yay!! Hooray!" and clap your hands. Sometimes when I lift up my shirt you start cheering and laughing. I especially love it when you're nursing and I ask you, "Is that tasty Momma milk?" and you nod your head up and down vigorously. When you were small you would look up at me while you nursed and study my face. Now, when you look up at me while you nurse it is to check in, to look purposefully into my eyes, to smile such that the corners of your eyes twinkle, or to hold my gaze tightly and make sure that whatever saddness just overtook you is not bigger than you, or Mommy, or the milk.

You are learning the difference between happy and sad. Hours after something has upset you, you will bring it up and talk about it with me.

"Momma. Eden. Sad."

"Momma left to go sing with the band and it made you sad, didn't it?"

Nodding. "Sad. Bye-bye."

"Did you cry because you were sad?"

Nodding. "Sad. Bye-bye. Neeve."

"Did Neeve give you hugs when you were sad?" Nodding. "And Rosie did, too?" More nodding. "And then Momma came back?"

Nodding, and smiling. "Yeah. Happy!"

"You know that Momma will always come right back, yes?"

Nodding, but hesitating.  "Sad."

"It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry when you're sad. Sometimes people will give you hugs when you're sad, too."

"Yeah. Happy!"

***

I love you so much, Eden Simone. You are my special little monkey and I love you from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, and all the places in between!

Love,
Mommy