The Lost Year

Here I am, at the end of the year. Sitting on my couch with a severe case of writer's block. I've typed and erased my first two sentences about six times. And I'm not quite sure, really, what this post is supposed to be about.

I don't really regret the lack of posts this past year. It's just sorta the way the year worked out. Maybe I spooked myself guest posting on other people's blogs. Maybe between work and home I had too much on my mind.

I've got things written down here and there about Eden's 2010, but I want to pick this method back up. She is growing up so fast and I don't want to miss anything. And it's nice to have it all in one spot, categorized and dated.

It occurred to me this morning, when I ran across a little yellow baby sock in my own sock drawer, that it is impossible for me to know ahead of time what things are going to become special memories and what the special moments are I won't want to forget. When you're in the thick of it, it's just where you are at, and you can't really appreciate the precious moments because you are in the moment. It's only after you've moved on to the next stage or phase that you can look back and realize how unique and special and precious that moment really was.

This is one reason why I am so glad I took others' advice in Eden's early months, and just tuned everything out and spent every possible waking moment with her. Sometimes, I would wonder, is this co-sleeping thing worth it? Do I really want to stay in her room while she falls asleep every night? Shouldn't I be taking more time for myself? The answer to all three questions is yes...but time with Eden wins out every time. I particularly remember the days when all she would want to do is nurse, and I would just let go of all the plans and thoughts I had about the day, and let it all go, and it was just Eden and me and nothing else in the world mattered in that moment. Nobody knows how many days have been planned for us on earth and, as much as I can, I want every moment to count. I think I've done a good job of that with Eden.

That said, Nathan and I both are looking forward to the increased independence that the next stages and years will bring. We realize that other drawbacks and challenges will come along with those changes. But that's one of the nice things about parenting. Nothing is permanent. Just when you feel like you can't change another diaper, they decide to use the toilet. Just when you think you can't play with the same toy one more day without jumping off a bridge, they move on to something else. It's sad, of course, to see favorite phases pass, but there is always something equally exciting and endearing coming along the bend right behind it. And new challenges to keep you on your toes.

I empathize, now, with the statement that parenting makes you a better person. I wondered about that at the beginning -- I realized that being a parent made me want to be a better person, but I didn't understand how I would have the time to work on anything. Now that we're past the baby stage and are starting to develop a rhythm as three individuals vs. two adults and a baby, I can see how our individual personalities are beginning to develop and play with and against each other. It's an interesting phenomenon. I remember being on the child side of this and would venture to say that, surprisingly, it's a little more disconcerting to be on the parent's side. When you are an adult you have a larger world view and are aware of all the consequences and repercussions of every little decision you make. When you are a kid, you are just living in the moment, and while individually life can be complicated, your general relationship with the world at large is quite simple.

Here is where I begin to wonder if I'm making any sense. If anyone will want to read this. If I really want to share my rambling thoughts with the world. Not sure which side of the fence I'll end up on with that, but for the time being I'll just keep moving forward and posting posts for me. To remember. And for Eden. Because I want her to know how much I love her, and how much I love being her mommy.